It seems like no matter how many years of experience I tack onto my resume, how many startups I join from scratch to MVP, or how many production apps I build myself; if there’s an interview looming or a new project/technology on the table, I’ve got anxiety.
For instance, today I had a brief meet and greet with a hiring manager on a new Upwork contract. They saw my profile and reached out with absolutely no action on my part. Despite it all, I felt tremendous anxiety. Despite the fact that this was a UI-only role and it’s using the easiest web framework of all time (Vue), I felt a deep sense of anxiety and dread.
“Don’t fuck this up, Aron.”
I was once told the definition of Senior Developer is a developer who can comfortably see an application from the beginning phases into production. I have several of such projects in my repertoire. When I interview for new roles, It’s usually as a Senior. Despite all of that, I feel like an entry-level noob walking into new projects.
I think a big part of what plays into my impostor syndrome are the cousins Low Self-Esteem and Anxiety. I don’t really believe in myself or my abilities without truly understanding what I’m getting into. I get anxiety when something new emerges causing change; like a new role or perhaps a new technology I’m not entirely confident with yet.
Even working with developers who take an approach differing from my own is enough to trigger anxiety.
In the face of Vue being the easiest framework to work with and the fact that I have entire production-grade FullStack applications on the net right now, walking into a Vue project and seeing an application that has been worked on for what looks like weeks/months and the component conventions and libraries being used are not something I’m familiar with, my stomach turns to knots and I feel a sense of deep anxiety.
This is the first time I’ve really admitted to any of this or shared my feelings on the matter. I always thought it would be seen as a sign of weakness. Maybe if my employer knew these feelings, they’d be less likely to keep me on. Maybe they would scrutinize my work more? Maybe I’d see just how wrong my methods were or how shit my code was? These are real feelings.
Yeah, that was a lot to get out and I’m sure it was a lot to read for you if you’re still here. If so, thank you. If not, fuck you too (joke). Jokes and any sense of impending doom aside, the one thing I remind myself in lieu of total meltdowns is this simple fact:
Seriously. Let it go, Aron. So what if your code gets scrutinized? That’s a good thing! We should strive to have our shit handed to us; to be held accountable. We should want to be pushed into new technology we haven’t worked with. We should long for the chance to see other ways of solving a problem.
Every moment of despair is an opportunity to learn something new.
You were hired because you have demonstrated ability to solve complex problems in a reasonable amount of time. Being a good developer isn’t just about writing good code; it’s about knowing how to find answers and implementing scalable, clean, testable solutions.
You were hired because you were tossed into a gauntlet several times. -From scratch to production. You frantically found answers. You endured long hours learning new skills and new approaches. You have the basic foundations of what makes a good developer.
That’s the bottom line. So keep doing what a good developer does and take advantage of this moment. Go in there, humble yourself to what’s before you, and learn. Embrace the anxiety of a new adventure; let it motivate you to be the best.
This little pep talk helped put my mind at ease and I hope it does yours too.